Ok, this article came out of Hotline magazine which is given free on Virgin trains.Â I couldn’t stop laughing so I thought I’d share it for anyone else with a two year old.
Food Intolerant by Andrew Shanahan
‘You are hungry, Harry, and I know that because all you’ve eaten for four days in Pom-Bear crisps.’ Before he was two, Harry’s diet consisted of healthy protions of organic vegetables, hand-picked local fruits nd sustainably caught oily fish.Â The he turned two and we had to master advanced control and restraight techniques to get him to eat bread.Â Now he’ll eat only Pom-Bear crisps if I animate them and do voices for each and every crisp.
‘I’m a Pom-Bear, please don’t eat me!Â (muffled) I’m in your tummy now.Â I’m being digested!Â Arrgghghgh!Â Gastric acid burns!’ he actually likes that.Â What kind of person likes to hear their food being digested?Â A two-year-old, that’s who.
‘Just five more spoonfuls.’ Five is hopelessly optimistic given that he can only count to six.Â I’ve essentially just asked him to eat one less than his understanding of numbers goes;Â if someone asked me to eat infinity minus one spoonfuls of anything, I’d refuse.
‘Bob the Builder likes fishcakes.’ Rightly, this is met with junior scepticism, until I call Bob the Builder and get him to verify his position on fishcakes.Â Clearly, I don’t know Bob, but I do have a friend who does impressions and he’s used to getting phone calls that require him to say things like: ‘I’m Thomas the Tank Engine and I love quiche Lorraine!Â Poot! Poot!’Â If you want his number let me know.
‘Well, at least eat your chips.Â Just eat five chips.’ Five!Â Why do I insist on him having five of everything?Â It’s the five-a-day veg thing messing with my brain.Â And why am I struggling to gethim to eat chips?Â A love of chips is hard wired in kids, isn’t it?
‘The lion cub will drown if you don’t eat your breakfast.’ At the bottome of one of Harry’s bowls is a lion cub.Â One day when Harry was refusing to eat his Weetabix I thought about the cub at the bottom of the bowl and had a brainwave.Â Then my partner heard meand it’s now locked in the Banned Parenting Techniques Cupboard (along with Undeddy the Zombie Teddy and the Trampoline Experiment).
‘Fine!Â I’m not bothered, don’t eat!Â Daddy’s not concerned at all.’ There’s vitamins in Pom-Bears, right?