Happiness

I’m never going to be 100% happy, no matter what I do… and that’s just soul-crushing.

I’ve been doing a lot of soul-searching lately. I always said that I wanted to move back to America when Luther got to be about 5 so that he could go to school there. I love where I grew up. It was small-town America and it was full of t-ball and parades and marching bands and snow. (Not to mention my family and friends!) I miss it so much my heart aches.

Andrew recently got a new mobile phone and we were looking at 24 month contracts… however, I then realised that Luther is about to turn 3 and so we might not even be here in 24 months.

I’m really very torn about how I feel. England will never fulfil me 100%… but if I’m honest, neither will America. Therefore, I’ll never be 100% happy.

Enough! Let’s put on the big-girl pants and get out of fairytale world. Lisa, who the hell is 100% happy?  No one.  Everyone has to make choices and sacrifices so get your head out of your ass and stop fantasizing about a dream world.

In the last two weeks, I was made aware of a new bit of legislation passed by the Ohio Supreme Court that says that you can get a speeding ticket if a police officer thinks you were speeding. I also learned about some horrific animal abuse at an Ohio Dairy Farm.

Maybe the universe is trying to tell me that Ohio isn’t the wholesome Norman Rockwell version that I have in my head.

I have it really good right now.  I live in freakin’ Happy Valley.  I know and socialise with all of my neighbours 4 doors on all sides, I stare a sheep all day, I have a milkman named Barry and a friendly postman named Richard.  There’s is a lovely reservoir and tons of country walks on my door step but still with direct trains to London.  My work is good and so is Andrew’s.  Time off can’t be rivalled in America and my maternity leave allowance is to die for.  Although very small I like my house and will love it when it’s finally decorated.  We’re settled, in a good school district, and have all the “stuff”.   My brilliant in-laws are just 20 minutes away and they help me with childcare when I’m working (and when I’m not!) Moving would mean giving all of that up.

But America has my parents, brother & sister-in-law, and real friends. I love them and miss them so much I feel like someone has just left a big empty hole in my chest all the time.

If they weren’t in the picture I think this wouldn’t be so difficult.

However, they could all die tomorrow … and would I want to be in Ohio if I didn’t have them?

On the other hand, they could all die tomorrow … and we wouldn’t have had enough quality time with them.

We had a daughter 3 months ago and my mom is the only person to have met her.  They don’t get to see her grow up and she doesn’t get the joy of having them in her life.  I love my in-laws to death but they will never be my parents.  They have a completely different set of values and I’m sad that I feel like my kids won’t value from influence from both sides.  I honestly believe it takes a village to raise a child… but my village is a little one-sided.  And it will always be one-sided.  There is no way to achieve balance (unless we move somewhere with no family at all…)

So what do we do?  I have absolutely no idea… but I know that whatever we choose will come with some rather large sacrifices.